Blaming vs Trusting God

Understanding the difference between blaming God and trusting God is as yet, for me, a rather difficult task. I can think/say the same words in my head and in one instance be trusting Him and in another instance be blaming Him. Perhaps I can illustrate this with an example from my mission.

There is a phrase that the people of Costa Rica love to use and which all missionaries detest: "si Dios quiere." Translated it means "if God wants" or "God willing." When Paul left Ephesus he told the saints there "I will return to you again, if God will." In Spanish, you can guess what that says: "si Dios quiere." Here I believe Paul was saying "I would like to come back and visit you again, but I will only do it if it is God's will." In other words, I believe when Paul said "if God will," he was expressing that his trust in God was greater than his own hopes or desires. This is not the common use of this phrase in Costa Rica!

Whenever missionaries visit a home they obtain a commitment from their investigators, be it to read in the Book of Mormon, pray about it, come to church, etc. Almost every time an investigator would commit, they would tack on the end "si Dios quiere." It was used as full licensure to excuse oneself from any commitment. This practice blatantly blames God for one's own choices. There is no trust here! None whatsoever! It is an act of trying to give our agency back to God and telling Him "here, have this, I don't want it! I have no desire for that kind of responsibility. I'd much rather blame You or others for everything." How insulting that must feel considering the price paid to provide us this gift!

So bringing it back to our culture, when something doesn't turn out how we hoped, do we sometimes think or say "well, I guess God just didn't want it that way," or "It seems God had another plan"? (I think the question mark is supposed to go on the inside of the quotes, but that's a punctuation rule I've not come to terms with yet. I also love the Oxford comma, for what it's worth. SQUIRREL!) This sounds like a virtuously motivated desire to trust God, but is it? Might it possibly be us rationalizing that we are giving up, or that we weren't as fully committed as we'd like to think we were? Such an assessment requires a strong dose of self-honesty, sincere soul searching, and often some help from heaven*. For me personally, I find that sometimes I am trusting Him, more often I'm not sure, even more often I am blaming Him, and most often I don't even notice what I'm doing at all.

Given how poorly I understand my own self in this matter, it should seem absurd that I would judge others on the same. Yep... totally absurd. I try not to, but I struggle. So in my efforts to not judge, I choose instead to project my own experience on everyone else since that's at least more subtle. (Now I will justify my choice to project -- just want to make it obvious what I'm doing here.) I don't think I am alone though in getting caught up in blaming God for the results of my own folly.

Oh, life! You present so much more opportunity to learn than I feel the capacity to hold! I hope someday I might learn to discern clearly in those moments when I seek to blame God vs trust Him.


* Wouldn't President Monson be proud!

Understanding Prophetic Fallibility

I'm just linking to another post on this one. Thank you J. Max Wilson -- very well done.

My favorite part is this:

"This raises perhaps the central problem with appeals to prophetic fallibility. If God is capable of making his will known to you then why not to the prophets? And if his power to make his will known is limited by their human frailty why is it not limited by your own human frailty?

In other words, appeals to fallibility to defend disagreeing with the prophets almost always fail to account for how come that same fallibility principle does not call into question the ability of the one making the appeal to discern the will of God. Fallibility Boulevard is a two way street. Yet critics who cite prophetic fallibility rarely exhibit a self-awareness of the irrational asymmetry of their appeal. Their confidence that their own view is correct while the prophets are wrong because prophets are fallible is self-contradicting."

Read the whole thing. It's a bit wordy, but lots of yumminess in here. (Yes, yumminess is a word. If you don't think so, go eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's, then lets talk :) ). The video is very interesting as well.

http://www.sixteensmallstones.org/watchmen-on-the-tower-on-the-limits-of-prophetic-fallibility/

One of my favorite talks that I think could have been linked to at the end of his post is this one by Elder Oaks on criticism and how to handle it.

Asking for what we need and want

Imagine a parent/child conversation as follows:

Child: I don’t want milk, please.
Parent: What do you want?
Child: I don’t want milk.
Parent: Okay, but what do you want?
Child: I just don’t want milk.
Parent: Okay, you don’t have to drink it then.
Child: But I don’t WANT milk!
Parent: Great, that’s fine. You don’t need to have milk, but tell me what you want and I may be able to get it for you.
Child: I just don’t want MILK!
Parent: I know. So what do you want me to do?
Child: Don’t give me milk!
Parent: You already have milk. What would you like me to get you instead?
Child: I DON’T WANT MIIIIIIIILK!!!!!!!!!!!
Parent: Well, when you are able to tell me what you do want, let me know.
Child: <Pouts for a while> Mommy?! (or Daddy?!)
Parent: Yes, sweety?
Child: I want a drink
Parent: Okay honey, what would you like to drink?
Child: I don’t want milk
Parent: I know that, but what do you want?
Child: Something.
Parent: What something?
Child: Something to drink.
Parent: What something to drink?
Child: Not milk.
Parent: Since milk is what you don’t want to drink, what is it that you DO want to drink?
Child: I don’t know.
Parent: <Waits attentively and patiently while child tries to figure out what s/he wants to drink>
Child: Mommy? (or Daddy?)
Parent: Yes?
Child: May I have juice?
Parent: Yes! Of course! <Goes to get some juice>
Child: <Happy, bounces up and down in chair.>
Parent: <Fills glass of child’s favorite juice - let’s say it’s apple.>
Child: <Happily takes a sip, puts cup down with a frown.> Mommy! (or Daddy!), not THIS JUICE!!!!
Parent: Huh?
Child: Not this juice Mommy! (or Daddy!)
Parent: You don’t want apple juice?
Child: I don’t want apple juice!
Parent: Okay, what kind of juice do you want?
Child: Not apple juice!
Parent: Not apple juice, okay. Which kind of juice DO you want?
Child: Other kind of juice!
Parent: Which other kind of juice?
Child: The other kind! The orange kind!
Parent: You want orange juice?
Child: Yeah! Orange juice!
Parent: Okay. Is it okay if I drink your apple juice?
Child: Yes
Parent: <Downs apple juice real quick so as not to waste it. Rinses cup with water. Fills it with orange juice.>
Child: <Happy, bounces up and down in chair.>
Parent: <Gives cup to child with orange juice.>
Child: Mommy! (or Daddy!)
Parent: Yes, sweetie?
Child: I don’t want this cup!
…

And you get the idea. In the Bible Dictionary under prayer it says: "The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them.” I think part of the reason for this is that, in order to ask, we must define clearly what we want. He knows what we want, but by requiring us to ask implies that we have figured out and clearly defined what we want. What do we want? What does it look like? How do we want it? What kind of cup do we want it in? etc. etc. Not that we necessarily get it exactly how we ask, but learning to ask clearly for what we want is, I think, not trivial.

So, some examples.

"Please bless Amy." Okay, bless her how? With what? "Just bless her." Um... right. What do you want for her?

"Please bless me with thy Spirit." Okay, what are you seeking? Are you wanting protection? Are you wanting guidance about a specific situation? Are you wanting understanding as you study? Are you wanting strength to stand up for what you believe in? Are you anticipating a certain situation that may challenge you?

"I hate my job. I just don't like it." Okay, what do you want? What do you like? Get clear with yourself, what are you seeking? I can get you fired or laid off just fine. What are you seeking?

"Please help me have patience." Ooh, happy to! Uh... you might want to clarify. ;-)


Again, God knows what we want better than we do, but we need to ask. I think it is valuable and important then, for our own sake, to consider and clearly define what we want so we can thus ask for it.

"More" Reverent

I've been, well, musing, about reverence. I think many of us could spout off easily enough that "reverence is respect and love." And yet knowing that, we often use the word in ways that seem inconsistent with that definition.

Reverent does not mean quiet; it means respect and love. In some times and places, this means being quiet; at other times, this means acting like a monkey! Let me provide a real life example.

In Primary we sing a happy birthday song to the kids who will have a birthday in the coming week. To add some fun to it, I created a die they roll that has different ways to sing the song on it. Some examples of different sides are "whisper voice", "an octave higher or lower", "taped lips", etc. One of the sides says "Pretend You Are A....", and the kid gets to choice how we act while we sing him or her happy birthday. One girl rolled this and chose monkey!

So what would be the reverent thing to do here? If I was halfhearted in acting like a monkey, it could have given off the message that I thought it was a dumb or poor choice, not at all a show of respect and love. So I went all out -- not out of control, but all out. I believe she felt respected and loved, or in other words, reverenced.

Now I realize we were in the Primary room. If we had been in the chapel or perhaps a temple or other place where such behavior would be inappropriate, then it would not have been respectful or loving to the place or to her if I had behaved thus. Instead it would have been respectful to lovingly point this out and help her make a more appropriate choice... or never have created such a situation in the first place. (Some may think this was not appropriate in the Primary room - I can respect that opinion, but that's another topic.)

So then, the point of all this writing -- why do we say "we need to be more reverent when we're in the chapel" or "in the temple" or wherever else? More is a comparator, meaning we must be more reverent compared to something else. In this context, it seems we are saying we need to be more reverent than when we are in other places, but is that accurate? I think we simply need to be reverent to the situation. This terminology (which I catch myself doing frequently enough) teaches our children that reverent means quiet. Perhaps it's not a big deal, but I do think it's a disservice.

It does seem appropriate to say "we need to be more reverent than we're being." This is to say, we need to be more appropriate in showing respect and love for the situation we're in. Let's not let our children think reverent synonymous to quiet, or even worse, synonymous to boring! :)

Little Words "in" Scriptures

Little words (in, the, a, of, is, it, to, from, etc.) matter, especially in the scriptures. So when I read these words from Alma 36:2, I wondered a bit.

"...and he surely did deliver them in their afflictions." (Emphasis added)

"In?" I thought. "That's odd. 'From' or 'out of' or something like that would have been more aligned with my expectation. In?" And so I wondered and pondered on that a bit. The next verse added more insight.

"...for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day." (Emphasis added)

I've long known that righteous living will not free you from experiencing difficulty, but these verses seemed to open my eyes to it a little further, though I struggle putting into words how. Anything I've tried to write here in explanation of it are words I already know, yet... it's as though I understand it enough now to say it myself, if that makes sense. Sometimes I hear things I already knew, but could not have expressed accurately. Now I feel like I would actually say "God delivers us in our afflictions." That is, if I remember this lesson beyond today! :) Hopefully writing it out here helps.

A Lesson From Computer Games

I'm not much a fan of computer games. They suck me in and spit me out leaving me a little bit older with a little bit less to show for it. And they're addicting for me. As in I honestly believe playing them causes my brain to create Dopamine or something in excessive amounts, causing me to have a withdrawal later and need another hit. Kinda scary when I write it out so bluntly.

This is not to say, however, that nothing can be learned from video or computer games*. I've noticed that games in which there is some aspect of wealth accumulation, be it gold, shiney, money, amulets, technology advancement points, or whatever else, there is a common trend that is true to life. It is this:

1) Spend it with excruciating care early on. Only use what is utterly required to survive.

2) Seek not for the lump sum bonuses, but seek for the bonuses that increase the rate of return throughout the entire rest of the game

3) Figure out the "threshold" amount. Once you obtain this amount, you will have sufficient residual wealth to win the game as long as you never spend below it

4 - Bonus) Never spend below the "threshold + 1" mark (+ 1 meaning one iteration of "return" on your wealth) and you will have more wealth than you will even want to consume

These same steps can, I believe, be applied to our real financial lives.

*Yes, computer games can teach, like the lesson mentioned in this post, yet I suspect that knowledge could be more appropriately obtained through other means.

On Offense

Is there a difference between being offended/taking offense and finding something offensive? If so, what is it? And why does it matter?

Is There A Difference
I believe the answer to the first question is emphatically yes. As Elder Bednar stated:
"One of the greatest indicators of our own spiritual maturity is revealed in how we respond to the weaknesses, the inexperience, and the potentially offensive actions of others. A thing, an event, or an expression may be offensive, but you and I can choose not to be offended." --Elder Bednar

The Difference
I see offensiveness and taking offense as two separate, chronological events. Prior to either of these, there is an action -- an event that one observes or is made aware of. A person then may interpret or "find" this event as "offensive". This is step one. The next step is choosing whether or not to take offense.

Finding Something Offensive
In my study and experience, I am not aware of any direct condemnation for interpreting something as "offensive". Irreverent actions or speech toward that which one considers sacred will always be considered offensive to that person. Indeed, sin is offensive to God. (See JSH 1:28 and D&C 59:21) It is my personal belief that the more our life is aligned with the Spirit, we will find more and more sin offensive and less and less righteousness offensive. Still, I've found no prophetic condemnation for where we are on this spectrum unless you count 3Ne 12:48/Matthew 5:48. Where I have seen plenty of consequential promise is in how we act based on our findings.

The Choice

What follows our interpretation of offense is a choice: to take offense or not to take offense. The most pronounced difference between these is to be found within the soul of the individual. When one takes offense or "is offended", the fruits resemble a feeling of resentment, bitterness, begrudgement (is that a word?), or anger. When one finds something offensive but does not take offense, the fruits resemble inner discomfort, physical sickness, sorrow, or a loving grief.

Why It Matters
The reason I bring this up is to dismiss the notion that we can excuse an offensive word or behavior by placing the blame on the one who finds it offensive. This blame casting changes our view of one who finds something offensive into one who has taken offense. Ironically then, we are likely to take offense because another person found our words or actions offensive, even if they never took offense themselves!

What I specifically want to observe though are the consequences that the potential offender often misinterprets when one finds offense, but does not take offense. Consider a moment something or someone you consider sacred. Perhaps it is something religious, perhaps it is a spouse or a parent, perhaps a child. If someone were to berate and openly blaspheme against that thing or person in ways that are utterly offensive to you, and you choose NOT to take offense, what will you do? How are you likely to behave? I would suggest that you would withdraw -- that you would remove yourself from the situation in some way because it saddens and/or hurts you.

Now reverse the roles; you said or did something that was offensive to another. You see them slowly withdraw in their relationship with you. Perhaps they "unfriend" you on Facebook, the nerve! Do you now take offense because you assume they took offense? Do you demean the person so as to justifiably dismiss the relationship? These are hard questions, but honest introspection can be a great blessing.

Conclusion
It comes down to this. It is possible to find something offensive and not take offense. The natural and common reaction in this situation is to seek to at least quarantine if not completely remove that which is offensive from our lives. When we offend God, even "the heavens withdraw themselves [and] the Spirit of the Lord is grieved" D&C 131:37.

Note then, that if you blatantly say or do offensive things, please do not blame others for wanting to distance themselves from you. It is not necessarily because they have taken offense but rather they are acting out of self-preservation, and you may find that they are grieved to do so.