Yesterday, I walked on fire, and I got burned. What's more, I am grateful for the experience and do not feel regret.
This is not my first fire-walk. I've done it before. In fact, on my first experience I walked across the glowing coals about four times and received no injury! Yes, I felt the heat of the coals, but my feet remained in perfect condition, albeit a little dirty. I expected the same again. In fact, I didn't believe I could get burned, even though the director said that, having done this hundreds of times, even he has on occasion been burned.
As I crossed the coals I was surprised to feel not just heat, but burning! I fell onto the rug placed on the other side in anguish! There was a bucket of cold water there and I immediately put my feet in it.
The water eased the pain quickly and felt oh so good! ...Until I pulled my foot out. The burn was there and it was strong!
After a time I put my socks on and then put my foot back in the water. I thought having the sock hold the water on my foot would help! It may have, but not much I don't think. Then I soaked my shoes and put them on. The pain would ease with the water, but only moments after, pain would surge! I began putting my feet, shoes and socks on, into the water bucket.
The pain was excruciating! It ebbed and flowed... and burned! Someone offered me some lavender oil which I took my shoes and socks back off to apply. It seemed to help for a few moments, but the burning quickly returned. I continued to soak my socked and shoed feet in the bucket.
A woman then commented to me, "you know, Matt, there are Priesthood holders here who could give you a blessing." That idea had started forming on its own, and her comment encouraged me. I sought out two friends and asked if they could administer to me. They did.
I don't remember a lot of what was said, but while the blessing was happening, I knew what I needed to do: I needed to go get medical attention.
At this point, the firewalk had been completed and everyone was being called over for an evening wrap-up and debrief. I knew I was not to stay, but go and get care.
There was a good bit of pride to swallow here, for me. I felt some measure of embarrassment and shame at the idea of telling health professionals "I walked across hot coals and got burned!" "Gee whiz there Sherlock, ya' think?!"
My dear wife also felt burns on her feet, but she seemed to be doing better than myself. We intended to go to InstaCare but realized it was closed, so we went to the emergency area at the hospital. As she drove, I broke down in tears and wails as the blistering burning sensation seared through my senses!
Upon arrival I sat down and got checked in and was in tears. They took my information and got me a wheelchair. Bonnie had dropped me off to get started and then she came in and got checked in as well.
There in the waiting room I was gripping the wheelchair sides breathing hard and weeping, trying not to ball out loud with perhaps only a small measure of success.
Soon they brought us back and we got my shoes and socks back off. The pain seemed to lessen with this, though part of it may have simply been the distraction of getting to interact with someone who was there to help me! I loved them! I just... loved them! I felt so grateful for them!
After initial vitals and being asked at least 3 times if we had any allergies to medications, we were taken back to a fast track room where I got on the bed and Bonnie sat in the chair next to me. I had numerous second degree burns on my feet and Bonnie some first degree burns.
The nurse (no, she wasn't technically a nurse, but I don't know what to call her and I don't care!) put some cream of some sort on my foot and something to hold it in place. My how it tickled!! I laughed and tried not to squirm! She seemed a bit surprised and amused!
Anyway, I'll cut this part short. We were well treated in every sense of the word. As we explained a few times what happened, Bonnie was awesome at being positive about it and even saying how awesome it was that we did it! She would tell them that getting burned this time was the perfect experience for us to learn the lessons that would best serve us to learn!
I leaned on that a lot. Her attitude helped me when, by myself, I would most likely have gone into shame and taken on the idea that what I had done was complete stupidity! I think this would have changed our entire visit at the hospital. Instead, it was a very positive one, we hit it off well with all the personnel, and we enjoyed very much our time there!
So... what's the point?
I mean, if we learned something, what was it? How about this one: don't walk across hot coals barefoot! That's stupid and you'll get burned!
We could choose that. But we're not.
Okay then... what? What was so important that you needed to go get second degree burns on your feet for?
That's not really a question I can answer. I don't feel to play the judge and, well, that's just not even a question for me. Making sense of something means trying to make it fit in your belief system. When we can't make sense of something, then we tend to dismiss it as stupid, senseless, or crazy. Either that or we make a change to our belief system, and though I believe its often helpful, this is less common it seems.
(We call it belief breakthrough, and actually I believe it is key in becoming more aligned with Divinity.)
So what I can say is that I've learned more about how to love myself unconditionally. I've let go of a lot of self-judgments that used to hang on me. I now see pain as neither good nor bad -- it simply is. Also, just because something is painful doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. Pain is a part of life -- we hurt and we get hurt -- and sometimes we choose it with good reason.
In fact, I learned a lot about pain, and I feel that my friend Kerstin explained it masterfully in her blog post.
I learned more about taking accountability and what that does and doesn't look like. I own my choice to walk on hot coals, and I own the consequence. Had it turned out like my first experienced where I was not burned, I would have owned the choice and consequence, so why should I not do so now that the consequence was different?
I believe in myself more profoundly now. This is not in the sense of "I'm a tough guy, I can handle 2nd degree burns! That's nothin'!" Uh, no -- remember the part about me balling in the E.R. waiting room? Yeah, not very tough guy! LoL! No, this is more of a quiet confidence that stems, at least in part, from that greater sense of unconditional self-love and accountability.
To say I do not regret my choice is not to say I think I did the right thing, and that's also not to say I did the wrong thing. It's just a thing I did. It had a consequence. Yes, there is right and wrong in the world, there is good and evil, but sometimes things are good or bad only because we judge them to be.
After all, the only thing that exists in our world is our perception. What can we possibly experience that is not filtered through our perception? I believe that God is real, but all I know, read, or learn of Him is filtered through my perception.
This is true even of myself! All I experience of myself is my perception. What I believe about myself when I look in the mirror is all a perception.
I love my life. I love who I am! I love every bit of me! I own my choices and their consequences, even when they are not what I'd hoped. I have made choices I regret, but I own them just the same. Interestingly, the choices I regret are not usually because of the consequences attached thereto, but because I believe they were out of alignment with who I was and my understanding of goodness at the time.
I'm doing my best. I am incredibly imperfect! I have flaws galore! And -- such an important and -- I love myself, wholly and completely.
Update: A little miracle that has happened: the pain has subsided. The hospital staff told us the burns would continue to feel painful for the next couple days, even getting worse than what I'd felt so far. This did not excite me, as you might imagine. I took a single IbuProfen and headed home. I still have big blisters, but it's been about 30 hours now and I have experienced little to no pain since leaving the hospital. I am very grateful!
