Not long ago my nephew Nate got married to his beautiful bride, Rebecca. It was a lovely experience as weddings often are. At the luncheon, there was a time for open-mic to tell stories and give advice. I didn't offer any advice at that time, but it got me thinking, and here's what I would probably say if I had the chance to go re-live the experience.
Some people say "happy wife, happy life." While it holds some merit, this phrase is incomplete. Yes, "happy wife, happy life," but also, "happy life, happy wife."
Rebecca, when you met Nate, I'm pretty confident you weren't thinking along the lines of "oh, he's just so... pathetic! He has no hope in life of being happy or... anything unless I go save him from himself!" Mmmm... nope! And visa-versa, Nate, right? You fell in love because the other person brought something to the relationship--they had something to offer that was attractive to you.
Nate, Rebecca's going to have a bad day sometimes. At least once a month is predictable, but probably more than that too, right? If you think it's your job to make her happy, then it won't take you long to become a failure. And visa-versa, this all goes both ways, right? Before long, when she has a bad day, you'll let it drag you down and you'll have a bad day too, because "if the doña ain't happy, nobody's happy." Right?
But what are you really doing? You're pushing the responsibility for your own happiness on to her. Pretty soon, she's going to resent that. She'll feel like she isn't allowed to have a bad day because if she does, then you will too, and it'll all be her fault. For the record... that's not very romantic!
So Nate, don't think it's your responsibility to make her happy, and don't think it's her responsibility to make you happy. It isn't. Your happiness is your own responsibility! It's something you generate, you create, and you bring it as an offering to your marriage. "Only when you're at home inside yourself do you have someplace good to invite your spouse to visit."*
When Rebecca has a bad day, of course you care for her--love is all about having an anxious concern for her well-being!** But you don't care for her by putting on your grumpy pants! You do it by holding on to your own self, your own happiness, without trying to force it on to her. Let her be grumpy! And you be happy. And when she's feeling better, she'll love you all the more for it.
And visa-versa.
* From Passionate Marriage by Dr. David Schnarch, p.180
** From quote: "True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one's companion." --Gordon B. Hinckley
No comments:
Post a Comment