This is taken from my notes and experience at the Matermind Marriage Symposium led by Kris & Kalenn Krohn on September 24th, 2014. UPDATE: Part of it is now publicly available on youtube.
There are a lot of articles out there "4 ways to enhance your marriage" or "6 daily tasks to make a bullet-proof marriage" or on and on. Every one I've read has, to me, been not much more than some person's idea of a to-do list, and it's never really resonated with me.
These principles, however, did resonate with me. Perhaps this is because they are principles and not to-dos.
Before I jump in to what they are, these principles are all about becoming an unconditional spouse. Now what might that mean? Be an unconditional spouse? And beyond that, what might it mean to be an unconditional being?
Think on that one for a moment. I have some thoughts and ideas, but your own impressions are probably more insightful for you than mine.
To me, being unconditional means honoring your sense of doing what's right, seeing people as people, and resisting any urge to make your way of being conditional on the actions or way of being of another. By this, I don't mean that you don't respond to what others do, but that you honor their individual sovereignty while unconditionally being in charge of your own as well.
So being an unconditional spouse? It means true commitment. Commitment to showing up 100% even when your spouse does not. It means being kind and loving not just in action, but in thought and soul -- all the way through -- even when your spouse isn't. It means living the following five principles:
1) Your Spouse is Priority #1
2) No Strings Attached
3) Be the Change You Wish to See
4) Accountability
5) End the War on Being Right
1. Your Spouse is Priority #1
Now, you can argue that God is #1 and I would sympathize, but does calling your spouse priority #1 have to be in conflict with that? Are they necessarily mutually exclusive? I don't know that they are, so let's not get hung up on that.
Make your spouse's needs, wants, and dreams your #1 priority. How do you do this? I don't know yet, but I can usually tell when I'm not doing it! When you feel upset with your spouse, what are you prioritizing above your spouse?
2. No Strings Attached
Be willing to give to your spouse without any expectation of receiving something in return. This doesn't mean just once -- we're talking about being unconditional here! It means over and over again.
This is more a way of being than a behavior. If you try to simply force yourself to do this as a behavior, you will find that day after day and with each act, you add drop upon drop of resentment poison to your connection. Do not try to fool yourself here. No, it's not a behavior, it's a shift in your way of being.
If it seems too monumental to take on, try it for a week, or maybe even just a day or two if that's what you need. Persuade yourself that "for this next week, I am going to give to my spouse and I promise I will never seek anything in return for everything I do this week. It's just free." If you believe you can do that, try it! If you need to shorten it, shorten it! But try it, and build up your ability to do it for longer and longer stretches!
3. Be the Change You Wish to See
Can you change your spouse? Do you have that ability? Can your spouse change you? Does s/he have that ability? No, no, no, and no.
We can only control ourselves. When we try to change or put shoulds on our spouse, we are not acting in integrity with the natural law that all men are agents unto themselves. Please note that natural laws are not something you can break -- you can only break yourself against them! I can not change my spouse -- I make invitations and honor his/her choice.
If you want something to be different, look in the mirror and see how you can change. Be the captain of your own ship and only your own ship. Don't try to drive someone else's ship and leave your own captain-less.
If you want something of your spouse you can certainly discuss it with him/her, but if your spouse isn't willing or doesn't want to, see how you can meet that need for yourself. Your spouse is not in charge of your happiness -- that would be telling your spouse to captain your own ship! We are seeking to be unconditional here! The goal is to learn to each captain your own ship such that you are able to navigate them side by side without crashing!
4. Accountability
I never have permission to be upset with my spouse. This statement may rub you the wrong way, but why would I say it?
Well let's think back to our 0th anniversary, the day we got married. What did I do? I said yes! I said I do! I'm the one that married him/her! And I said yes to everything! I said yes to the things I knew, and I said yes to the things I didn't know! I even said yes to the things I didn't know I didn't know!
To say "I didn't agree to that" is simply false and to say "I didn't know I was agreeing to that" is just the point! Of course you didn't know everything you were agreeing to -- you were agreeing to things you didn't fully know at the time.
Marriage is not a contract, it's a covenant. Contracts are deals where each person's portion put together adds up to 100%. It has clauses about how if a certain part of the agreement isn't met then someone is necessarily at fault and then exit clauses are in place. That's not what marriage is about! Marriage is a covenant. Both bring their 100% to the table! And when one doesn't, the other doesn't have a contract that says "oh, well, you didn't bring your 100% today so I'm not either." No! Being an unconditional spouse means you bring 100% regardless of how your spouse shows up! And you don't attach any strings to that either! (See principle #2.)
Are we only willing to take accountability for marrying our spouse when s/he is doing what we want? That conditional statement does not lead us to being an unconditional spouse! It says "I only want to be married to you when you are doing what I want." That doesn't sound like a great relationship to me -- certainly not creating oneness in marriage!
5. End the War on Being Right
Connection, love, and respect are more important than being right.
Essentially this is simply a specific instance of making your spouse your #1 priority. That is, don't make being right a higher priority than your spouse.
I may be right about something in every possible way, but in a win-lose scenario, we both lose.
A Couple Final Thoughts
First, I hope to be clear -- in all of this, does this mean there are no boundaries? That my spouse can do whatever s/he wants, walk all over me if s/he chooses, and I just take it? No, I certainly don't believe so. That wouldn't be showing up 100% for your spouse! However, remember that boundaries are rules of action for yourself. You do not set rules of action for your spouse!
Second, I want to share an insight I had at this symposium that I still don't fully grasp, but I feel like it's coming. I've wondered for some time what it means to want or need something. Whenever I say "I need," I try to always make that a conditional statement. If the statement doesn't become conditional, then I become conditional!
For example, when I say "I need some socks," then I will add "in order to be comfortable wearing my shoes." Now this is a simple example, but if I only say "I need some socks," then what does this mean about me? Really? I need them? Am I somehow incomplete as a human being without them? Well of course not!
Now I realize that in a statement like that about socks, the conditional is somewhat implied: it would be uncomfortable in shoes without them, it would look weird, my feet might be cold, etc. But being deliberate about it has been, for me, helpful and clarifying.
So what about needing my spouse? Do I need my spouse? I brought up this question in the symposium and Kris said "this may not work for you, but I choose to need my spouse." While I have some pondering to do about this, I like the sentiment right off.
It is a natural law that greater happiness is available in a marriage relationship than without one, yet who would ever consider marriage a guarantee for happiness?! The trick is that while greater happiness can be found in such a relationship, my spouse is not responsible for my happiness. S/he does not make me happy. S/he can assist and invite me to be happy but it is ultimately my choice; the same goes with being unhappy!
I very much enjoyed this symposium! It has given me much food for thought! I thank Kris & Kalenn for sharing these things and also thank those couples that participated. It was an inspiring experience!
What other principles have you found in marriage that help you be an unconditional spouse?
No comments:
Post a Comment