Faith, Repentance, and The Gospel

Do you ever wish in your heart to draw closer to God? Do you wish it seemed easy?

I do. I desire this. Sometimes it seems easy, and often it seems afar off, but ultimately this is what the Gospel of Jesus Christ is all about.

John recorded the Savior saying "And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent." (17:3)

Elder Bruce R. McConkie expounded “It is one thing to know about God and another to know Him. We know [the Father and the Son], in the sense of gaining eternal life, when we enjoy and experience the same things they do. To know God is to think what he thinks, to feel what he feels, to have the power he possesses, to comprehend the truths he understands, and to do what he does. Those who know God become like him, and have his kind of life!” (Bruce R. McConkie, Doctrinal New Testament Commentary, 3 vols., Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1965–73, 1:762.)

 I want to look at this idea for a moment-- to have God's kind of life. That seems so astounding! I believe achieving this all begins with two principles: faith and repentance.

In my attempt to illustrate this, I'll begin with a story.

Have you ever experienced wanting to pretend something didn't exist? Like dirty dishes, for example? And when no bowls are clean for your cereal, you grab a tupperware instead, all while never looking at the sink even as you go back again for the milk? It's like you cover your eyes or plug your ears and sing "la-la-la-la! I'm not liiiiiisteniiiiing!!" You simply didn't want to face it!

Well, when I was a young father, I had something like that, and it felt... heavy, and scary, and even wrong and bad. I didn't want to look at it, but I... I wasn't so sure I wanted to be a dad. It was a bit late for that, granted--I already had two kids! I was doing my best by them, but I hated it. Being a dad was hard, exhausting, unpleasant, distracting, and just didn't seem worth it! But at least I loved my kids... right? I was scared to admit to myself that I wasn't so sure.

Beliefs and Faith

It's my experience that we, as people, act as though what we believe is true regardless of its veracity.

Let's look at Lehi's family. After Lehi's dream in chapter eight, Nephi "desired to know the things that [his] father had seen, and believing that the Lord was able to make them known unto [him], as [he] sat pondering in [his] heart [he] was caught away in the Spirit of the Lord" and shown the vision. (1 Nephi 11:1)

But what about Laman and Lemuel? They were arguing about what some of their Dad's vision meant, and Nephi comes and asks "have ye inquired of the Lord?" Their response was "we have not; for the Lord maketh no such thing known unto us." (1 Ne 15:8-9)

I can only imagine what Nephi must have been thinking at this moment. I imagine his hands covering and pulling down on his face while thinking "are. you. freaking. KIDDING ME?! Y... y... YOU DIDN'T EVEN ASK!!!"

But of course they didn't ask. They didn't ask because they believed God wouldn't tell them. Regardless of the veracity of this, they acted as though what they believed was true. And was it? It was true because they made it so; it was a self -fulfilling prophecy.
(Do I know if God would have revealed it to them if they had asked? No, I don't personally, but 1 Nephi 10:18-19 answers that question sufficiently.)

So what do we have here? Well, Nephi acted according to his belief and Laman and Lemuel acted according to their belief. In other words, they each exercised faith and obtained the fruits thereof.

"If men were duly to consider themselves and turn their thoughts and reflections to the operations of their own minds, they would readily discover that it is faith, and faith only, which is the moving cause of all action in them; that without it both mind and body would be in a state of inactivity, and all their exertions would cease, both physical and mental." --Joseph Smith Jr. (Lectures on Faith, Lecture First)

So what beliefs do you put faith in? Have you chosen into some, however unwittingly, that keep you from being like God? From having His kind of life? Of course you have. We all have.

For me, some of these beliefs were "fatherhood sucks," "my kids hold me back from doing what I want to do," "my kids prevent me from living my dreams," "I don't know how to be a dad," "my kids are only a burden," "being a dad isn't worth it," etc. etc. etc.

I didn't want to look at them though. One I particularly didn't want to look at was "the only way to show something's important to you is to get mad about it; if I'm not mad, I must not care." Yikes!

Beliefs about Self

Some of the most common beliefs that hold us down are related to how we see ourselves and our worth.

One of the core beliefs that church doctrine and culture try to pound into us is who we are. I am a child of God is perhaps our most well known hymn, young women recite "I am a beloved daughter of Heavenly Parents" each week, and the young men's theme begins similarly: "I am a beloved son of God."

And yet how common are the beliefs "I'm not good enough," "I can't do anything right," "I'm stupid/dumb/an idiot," "I'm worthless," "I'm a bad Mom," "I must be one of the worst fathers ever," etc.

Is this "think[ing] what [God] thinks" or "feel[ing] what He feels"? No, of course not. "But I'm not perfect like God yet," you might say, "my actions aren't like His yet." Agreed. But remember Joseph Smith's quote above? Your beliefs do not come from your actions; your actions stem from your beliefs. That's what faith is all about.

So consider President Monson's advice: “Don’t limit yourself and don’t let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities. You can achieve what you believe you can. Trust and believe and have faith.” (Living the Abundant Life, Ensign, January 2012)

I mentioned my belief that "the only way to show something's important to you is to get mad about it; if I'm not mad, I must not care." Let's look at what putting faith into this belief, especially in already insecure context, looked like.

I was scared that I might not love my kids as I thought I should, so to prove to myself that I did, I essentially had to live mad at them. If I was mad at them, then I could feel okay about myself because surely I loved them. See how sick and twisted this can get? It's insane!

"The moving cause of all action" is faith. So when you do something, what beliefs are you exercising faith in?

Faith Unto Repentance

So far, we've talked about faith in a general sense, but the first principle of the gospel of Jesus Christ is not simply faith, it's "faith in the Lord Jesus Christ." Why?

What beliefs must you have in order to exercise faith in Jesus? Here are a few that come to mind:

1. He successfully performed the Atonement, paying the price for your sins
2. As the Mediator, He has set the terms of salvation and mercy
3. His terms include you trying to become like Him through the gift of repentance
4. Salvation is something desirable

Amulek invites us to "exercise your faith unto repentance" (Alma 34:17). How could we do this without these fundamental beliefs in Christ?

Repentance is often viewed as a way to shame ourselves out of wicked behavior into righteousness. This is a counterfeit. Even the idea of repenting of behavior is a misnomer. Actions are a result, not a cause. Repenting of actions is like avoiding getting wet while swimming by making the water less moist. Repentance isn't a behavior thing, it's a heart thing. We don't repent of actions, we repent of beliefs, which then may change behavior.

For me, this meant facing my beliefs about fatherhood.

It wasn't until I looked more deeply at my angry behavior and way of being that I realized the belief driving it. When I was able to put words to it, I realized that this idea of "the only way to show something's important to you is to get mad about it; if I'm not mad, I must not care," was ludicrous. But how to change it?

President Packer offered an insight when he said "I’ve had to evict some thoughts a hundred times before they would stay out. I have never been successful until I have put something edifying in their place." (October Conference 1977, The Balm of Gilead) 

So what could I replace it with? What could I do to show I care that could be just as, if not more effective than anger? It probably seems obvious to you, reader, but I had to labor over it some time before I realized that love was, quite literally in this case, the answer.

So I decided to adopt a new belief, a belief that said "the best way to show something's important to me is to show love about it." But the belief alone is insufficient, I needed to experiment upon the word, to exercise faith. I decided I would pour love into things that were important to me.

When kids color on the wall, show love. When they pour milk and cereal and hardly eat it and leave it out most the day -- show love. When poop gets everywhere! -- show love. When they are disobedient and defiant -- show love. This is putting faith into a new belief. This is putting faith unto repentance. This is what faith in Christ looks like in practice.

Repentance is not behavioral therapy, repentance is heart therapy.

Conclusion

President Uchtdorf said "seeing ourselves clearly is the beginning of wisdom." (General Conference, October 2014, Lord is it I?) We need Christ to see ourselves clearly. He is the courage giver, granting us the grace and strength to face ourselves! He is the hope giver so we can emotionally survive the experience! To change, we need Him; we need Him to become like Him.

So no, repentance is not about shame, it's about love, and if seeing ourselves clearly is the beginning of wisdom, then loving ourselves wholly is the beginning of accountability. In the words of Brad Wilcox, "it's not about earning heaven, it's about learning heaven." ( https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/brad-wilcox/his-grace-is-sufficient/ -- this, by the way, is one of the most amazing talks ever)

If the purpose of the gospel of Jesus Christ is to help us become like Him, is it any wonder that faith and repentance are the first principles of the gospel?

I have a long, long way to go yet to learn the practices of divine fatherhood. So far, I've learned to deeply love and care for my children's well-being. I'm ever so humbled and grateful for the opportunity to be their father, and to continue learning how to be better at it.

What is a great marriage?

A great marriage is emotional connection and attachment.

It’s deeply beautiful that we each experience emotional connection and attachment in our own unique way, though this difference can often feel like a frustration.

Emotional connection and attachment is neither emotional dependence nor gridlock, which are the results of resisting the path to deeper emotional connection and attachment.

To more deeply obtain emotional connection and attachment with our spouse, we must choose it because we desire it, not because we fear losing it. The seeming paradox is that the capacity to make this choice is derived from our individual strength of character.

A functioning marriage pushes us toward deeper emotional connection and attachment which in turn pushes us to develop the individual character necessary to obtain it.

To take an account of one’s marriage, one might best seek evaluation on his or her own level of engagement in (or resistance to) this process.

There are many ways to resist. Common resistance techniques include spousal-blaming (if s/he would, then I would, but I can't, because s/he won't), avoidance (pretending it's not there, hoping that will make it eventually go away), entitlement (I shouldn't have to, it's not my responsibility), and despair (it's not worth it, I can't make it work no matter what I do).

There are many more forms of resistance -- which one is most common for you?

Is now the time to take a step in a new direction?

Conversations are Rivers, Especially Important Ones

Conversations are rivers, they flow and progress, each its own journey.

In any relationship, especially close, important ones, when you avoid a conversation, you dam a river, trying to not let any of it continue flowing.

If the conversation is important to either person or to the relationship at large, you will have to avoid more and more forcefully. Because the water keeps coming, you must keep building that dam higher and stronger.

However, the more you build, the more intense the pressure becomes, especially deep down.

It may be painful to let that river flow. There may be rapids, waterfalls, or uncomfortable turns along the way. Avoiding that pain is why you built the dam in the first place. But to what end?

Ultimately, there are only two possible results:
1) You create a spill way and start opening up the flow. That is, you stop avoiding. You begin having the hard conversations. You face the pain of self confrontation and growth that ensues.

Or

2) You build and build until finally the pressure is too much. The dam breaks, decimating, devastating, and wreaking havoc all over. Relationships destroyed, hearts broken, families torn apart.

That may sound overly dramatic and it may well be oversimplified, but it's frequency can not be overstated.

A Funny Paradox of Conscious Thought

I had a visionary hope when I was around 18 years old. Looking back, it seems almost cute!

My dream? To be conscious and deliberate with every single thought in my mind.

I had tried time and time again to do this! I don't know if my record lasted beyond an entire minute.

Approaching 19 years old, I received a calling to serve as a Christian missionary for two years. And so, boldly and naively, I decided that being a missionary would automagically (yes, that's a word now) grant me this skill! I would come home with the ability to maintain perfect control over my mind and thoughts at all times!

Aaaah dear. See what I mean? Almost cute.

While I've yet to achieve this lofty goal, I have learned some lessons along the way.

First and foremost, our thoughts are a choice. I can take conscious control of my brain at any moment and direct it to whatever thought I choose. I can choose to think about that book I just read or what ice cream flavor sounds really yummy to right this moment or about bird migration patterns! We can choose our thoughts.

Personally, I have not yet developed the ability to consciously focus all of my thoughts 100% of the time--not even close! But I'm not sure that's my goal anymore anyway. Instead, I want to have desired, positive thoughts even when I'm not consciously guiding them!

So what does guide our thoughts when we're not consciously controlling them? Please note, I'm not claiming scientifically researched answers here--my comments are anecdotal in nature.

I see two primary influences on our not-so-conscious conscious thought: neurological habit and belief system.

From my understanding of my light reading and study of the brain, our neuro-pathways can be likened to a ditch and our thoughts to the water flowing through it. Our most common thought patterns are like deeply dug trenches--well worn paths through which water naturally and easily flows.

However, we have the power to shift these neuro-pathways and create new ones. It takes some mental effort, just as digging a trench building a dam, and redirecting a stream or river takes physical effort! Without conscious, deliberate effort, our neurological habits create do not change.

Recent research has disproved an old idea that our brains, after a certain (young) age, could no longer change. We now know that our brains maintain neuro-pasticity--the ability to grow new pathways and change neuro-structure--even into old age.

So to reach my goal of positive thought even when I'm not intentionally directing them, I want to develop the neurological habits and pathways that will naturally create that result.

The second primary influence is our paradigm. Our paradigm is our belief system. This includes religious beliefs, self-esteem, culturally influenced beliefs, and so much more.  Like our thoughts, our beliefs are choices. Everything we believe has been, at some level and point in time, a choice.

If I believe the current President is a dud, this belief will influence my thoughts. If I believe monogamy is morally correct, this will influence my thoughts. If I believe I'm too dumb to succeed, this will influence my thoughts!

Okay... but so what?

Our thoughts create our lives.

"For as [a man] thinketh in his heart, so is he." --Proverbs 23:7

Everything we create, our lives, our results, our joy, our suffering, all of it--it all begins with thought. Thought is the common denominator.

So if we can change our neurological habits, which we can, and if we can change our paradigm, which we can, then we can change our lives! We can create the lives we want! We can achieve what we desire... IF. IF we are willing to do what's required. IF we are willing to change our mindset and, as a result, our choices.

So no, I no longer have a goal of 100% competency in controlling my conscious thought. Instead, I have a goal of creating the life I want by developing 100% unconscious competency in conscious thought.

The Purpose of Education

What is the purpose of education?

I don't mean school, I mean education.

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." --Mark Twain

What is education anyway? And what does it mean to be well educated?

I believe there is no one-size-fits-all answer for everyone.

"There is no one best way to do anything. . .There are as many best ways as there are creative minds." --Crawford H. Greenwald

And yet how often do we set expectations on what it means for anyone to be considered "educated?"

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” --Albert Einstein

Many of our judgments upon others are in reality rules we have for ourselves that we project onto those around us. So let's start with ourselves!

What does it mean for you to be educated? What is education even about for you?

A man who gave much of his life was clear in his own view as he expressed:

"Character is the aim of true education; and science, history and literature are but means used to accomplish this desired end. Character is not the result of chance, but of continuous right thinking and right acting.
"True education seeks to make men and women not only good mathematicians, proficient linguists, profound scientists, or brilliant literary lights, but also, honest men, with virtue, temperance, and brotherly love. It seeks to make men and women who prize truth, justice, wisdom, benevolence, and self-control as the choicest acquisitions of a successful life.
"It is regrettable that modern education so little emphasizes these fundamental elements of true character." --David O. McKay

For him, education was about the development of character!

What is it for you?

My answer for myself and, as a father, for my children until they leave, are five-fold:
1) Character -- Virtuous, Kind, Diligent, Respectful, Faithful, Etc.
2) Relationships -- With God, Self, Family, and Friends. Emotional intelligence. Etc.
3) Mission -- A sense of clarity and purpose about one's life's works
4) Scholarship -- Reading, Writing, History, Mathematics, Speaking, Etc.
5) Stewardship -- Financial intelligence, Health, Wellness, Generosity Etc.

As I seek to develop myself, I seek improvement in these five areas.

I've never arrived! I love growth! I love learning! I love change!

So what is it for you? What is the purpose of your education? And is it complete? If not, what's your next step?

Just What Is Intimacy?

How often have you heard someone use the word intimacy when what they really meant was sex?

It's as though there's a stigma on using the word sex, so we use the word intimacy to soften the blow or something.

Here's the problem -- they're not the same thing! 

Sex is sex. Intimacy is intimacy.

So what is intimacy if it's not sex?

Intimacy is letting someone see you see yourself.

Wha... Huh?

I like the word play of intimacy meaning into me, see.

Any time we include another in our own act of self-discovery, we create intimacy.

When we explore our own selves -- our minds, our hearts, our greatness, our imperfections, our desires, etc. -- and include another as we do so, we create intimacy.

When we take accountability to another, we create intimacy.

When we offer loving feedback, we create intimacy.

When we work together to find a solution that represents all party's true interests, we create intimacy.

Intimacy is thought of as an airy, romantic ideal, but true intimacy is often uncomfortable.

Intimacy is exploring the reality of you, and letting someone else join you on that journey.

What is Righteousness?

"Remember the greatness of the Holy One of Israel. Do not say that I have spoken hard things against you; for if ye do, ye will revile against the truth; for I have spoken the words of your Maker. I know that the words of truth are hard against all uncleanness; but the righteous fear them not, for they love the truth and are not shaken." (2 Nephi 9:40)

"Words of truth are hard against all uncleanness; but the righteous fear them not, for they love the truth and are not shaken."

Pondering this verse, does it imply that the righteous have no uncleanness? Nope. Does it imply that the truth may be less poignant or harsh upon the sins of the righteous as the sins of the unrighteous? Nope.

It occurs to me that two people may appear to have the same vices, the same outward sins, the same actions of error, and, for that matter, the same outward strengths, whilst one God would label righteous and the other wicked.

How so?

We all have sins. We all have weaknesses. We all worship the lies of Satan in one form or other. So why does one person get to be considered righteous and another not?

Because righteousness is a state of soul -- a state of heart, mind, and spirit.

When we receive reproach, do we take offense? When we are given correction, do we shun the messenger? Or are we willing to confront ourselves in a spirit of self-honesty and self-love?

President Uchtdorf said "seeing ourselves clearly is the beginning of wisdom." I add that, with that vision, loving ourselves wholly is the beginning of accountability.

The righteous "love the truth and are not shaken." Why? Because they love wisdom! They love to see themselves clearly! And they love themselves enough to take accountability in what they see. They desire to serve God and to fulfill His purposes for them on this earth.

When confronted, the righteous do not go into fight, flight, or freeze. Rather, they confront themselves and they grow.

May my heart be turned ever more toward righteousness day by day.