What is a great marriage?

A great marriage is emotional connection and attachment.

It’s deeply beautiful that we each experience emotional connection and attachment in our own unique way, though this difference can often feel like a frustration.

Emotional connection and attachment is neither emotional dependence nor gridlock, which are the results of resisting the path to deeper emotional connection and attachment.

To more deeply obtain emotional connection and attachment with our spouse, we must choose it because we desire it, not because we fear losing it. The seeming paradox is that the capacity to make this choice is derived from our individual strength of character.

A functioning marriage pushes us toward deeper emotional connection and attachment which in turn pushes us to develop the individual character necessary to obtain it.

To take an account of one’s marriage, one might best seek evaluation on his or her own level of engagement in (or resistance to) this process.

There are many ways to resist. Common resistance techniques include spousal-blaming (if s/he would, then I would, but I can't, because s/he won't), avoidance (pretending it's not there, hoping that will make it eventually go away), entitlement (I shouldn't have to, it's not my responsibility), and despair (it's not worth it, I can't make it work no matter what I do).

There are many more forms of resistance -- which one is most common for you?

Is now the time to take a step in a new direction?

Conversations are Rivers, Especially Important Ones

Conversations are rivers, they flow and progress, each its own journey.

In any relationship, especially close, important ones, when you avoid a conversation, you dam a river, trying to not let any of it continue flowing.

If the conversation is important to either person or to the relationship at large, you will have to avoid more and more forcefully. Because the water keeps coming, you must keep building that dam higher and stronger.

However, the more you build, the more intense the pressure becomes, especially deep down.

It may be painful to let that river flow. There may be rapids, waterfalls, or uncomfortable turns along the way. Avoiding that pain is why you built the dam in the first place. But to what end?

Ultimately, there are only two possible results:
1) You create a spill way and start opening up the flow. That is, you stop avoiding. You begin having the hard conversations. You face the pain of self confrontation and growth that ensues.

Or

2) You build and build until finally the pressure is too much. The dam breaks, decimating, devastating, and wreaking havoc all over. Relationships destroyed, hearts broken, families torn apart.

That may sound overly dramatic and it may well be oversimplified, but it's frequency can not be overstated.

A Funny Paradox of Conscious Thought

I had a visionary hope when I was around 18 years old. Looking back, it seems almost cute!

My dream? To be conscious and deliberate with every single thought in my mind.

I had tried time and time again to do this! I don't know if my record lasted beyond an entire minute.

Approaching 19 years old, I received a calling to serve as a Christian missionary for two years. And so, boldly and naively, I decided that being a missionary would automagically (yes, that's a word now) grant me this skill! I would come home with the ability to maintain perfect control over my mind and thoughts at all times!

Aaaah dear. See what I mean? Almost cute.

While I've yet to achieve this lofty goal, I have learned some lessons along the way.

First and foremost, our thoughts are a choice. I can take conscious control of my brain at any moment and direct it to whatever thought I choose. I can choose to think about that book I just read or what ice cream flavor sounds really yummy to right this moment or about bird migration patterns! We can choose our thoughts.

Personally, I have not yet developed the ability to consciously focus all of my thoughts 100% of the time--not even close! But I'm not sure that's my goal anymore anyway. Instead, I want to have desired, positive thoughts even when I'm not consciously guiding them!

So what does guide our thoughts when we're not consciously controlling them? Please note, I'm not claiming scientifically researched answers here--my comments are anecdotal in nature.

I see two primary influences on our not-so-conscious conscious thought: neurological habit and belief system.

From my understanding of my light reading and study of the brain, our neuro-pathways can be likened to a ditch and our thoughts to the water flowing through it. Our most common thought patterns are like deeply dug trenches--well worn paths through which water naturally and easily flows.

However, we have the power to shift these neuro-pathways and create new ones. It takes some mental effort, just as digging a trench building a dam, and redirecting a stream or river takes physical effort! Without conscious, deliberate effort, our neurological habits create do not change.

Recent research has disproved an old idea that our brains, after a certain (young) age, could no longer change. We now know that our brains maintain neuro-pasticity--the ability to grow new pathways and change neuro-structure--even into old age.

So to reach my goal of positive thought even when I'm not intentionally directing them, I want to develop the neurological habits and pathways that will naturally create that result.

The second primary influence is our paradigm. Our paradigm is our belief system. This includes religious beliefs, self-esteem, culturally influenced beliefs, and so much more.  Like our thoughts, our beliefs are choices. Everything we believe has been, at some level and point in time, a choice.

If I believe the current President is a dud, this belief will influence my thoughts. If I believe monogamy is morally correct, this will influence my thoughts. If I believe I'm too dumb to succeed, this will influence my thoughts!

Okay... but so what?

Our thoughts create our lives.

"For as [a man] thinketh in his heart, so is he." --Proverbs 23:7

Everything we create, our lives, our results, our joy, our suffering, all of it--it all begins with thought. Thought is the common denominator.

So if we can change our neurological habits, which we can, and if we can change our paradigm, which we can, then we can change our lives! We can create the lives we want! We can achieve what we desire... IF. IF we are willing to do what's required. IF we are willing to change our mindset and, as a result, our choices.

So no, I no longer have a goal of 100% competency in controlling my conscious thought. Instead, I have a goal of creating the life I want by developing 100% unconscious competency in conscious thought.

The Purpose of Education

What is the purpose of education?

I don't mean school, I mean education.

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." --Mark Twain

What is education anyway? And what does it mean to be well educated?

I believe there is no one-size-fits-all answer for everyone.

"There is no one best way to do anything. . .There are as many best ways as there are creative minds." --Crawford H. Greenwald

And yet how often do we set expectations on what it means for anyone to be considered "educated?"

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” --Albert Einstein

Many of our judgments upon others are in reality rules we have for ourselves that we project onto those around us. So let's start with ourselves!

What does it mean for you to be educated? What is education even about for you?

A man who gave much of his life was clear in his own view as he expressed:

"Character is the aim of true education; and science, history and literature are but means used to accomplish this desired end. Character is not the result of chance, but of continuous right thinking and right acting.
"True education seeks to make men and women not only good mathematicians, proficient linguists, profound scientists, or brilliant literary lights, but also, honest men, with virtue, temperance, and brotherly love. It seeks to make men and women who prize truth, justice, wisdom, benevolence, and self-control as the choicest acquisitions of a successful life.
"It is regrettable that modern education so little emphasizes these fundamental elements of true character." --David O. McKay

For him, education was about the development of character!

What is it for you?

My answer for myself and, as a father, for my children until they leave, are five-fold:
1) Character -- Virtuous, Kind, Diligent, Respectful, Faithful, Etc.
2) Relationships -- With God, Self, Family, and Friends. Emotional intelligence. Etc.
3) Mission -- A sense of clarity and purpose about one's life's works
4) Scholarship -- Reading, Writing, History, Mathematics, Speaking, Etc.
5) Stewardship -- Financial intelligence, Health, Wellness, Generosity Etc.

As I seek to develop myself, I seek improvement in these five areas.

I've never arrived! I love growth! I love learning! I love change!

So what is it for you? What is the purpose of your education? And is it complete? If not, what's your next step?

Just What Is Intimacy?

How often have you heard someone use the word intimacy when what they really meant was sex?

It's as though there's a stigma on using the word sex, so we use the word intimacy to soften the blow or something.

Here's the problem -- they're not the same thing! 

Sex is sex. Intimacy is intimacy.

So what is intimacy if it's not sex?

Intimacy is letting someone see you see yourself.

Wha... Huh?

I like the word play of intimacy meaning into me, see.

Any time we include another in our own act of self-discovery, we create intimacy.

When we explore our own selves -- our minds, our hearts, our greatness, our imperfections, our desires, etc. -- and include another as we do so, we create intimacy.

When we take accountability to another, we create intimacy.

When we offer loving feedback, we create intimacy.

When we work together to find a solution that represents all party's true interests, we create intimacy.

Intimacy is thought of as an airy, romantic ideal, but true intimacy is often uncomfortable.

Intimacy is exploring the reality of you, and letting someone else join you on that journey.

What is Righteousness?

"Remember the greatness of the Holy One of Israel. Do not say that I have spoken hard things against you; for if ye do, ye will revile against the truth; for I have spoken the words of your Maker. I know that the words of truth are hard against all uncleanness; but the righteous fear them not, for they love the truth and are not shaken." (2 Nephi 9:40)

"Words of truth are hard against all uncleanness; but the righteous fear them not, for they love the truth and are not shaken."

Pondering this verse, does it imply that the righteous have no uncleanness? Nope. Does it imply that the truth may be less poignant or harsh upon the sins of the righteous as the sins of the unrighteous? Nope.

It occurs to me that two people may appear to have the same vices, the same outward sins, the same actions of error, and, for that matter, the same outward strengths, whilst one God would label righteous and the other wicked.

How so?

We all have sins. We all have weaknesses. We all worship the lies of Satan in one form or other. So why does one person get to be considered righteous and another not?

Because righteousness is a state of soul -- a state of heart, mind, and spirit.

When we receive reproach, do we take offense? When we are given correction, do we shun the messenger? Or are we willing to confront ourselves in a spirit of self-honesty and self-love?

President Uchtdorf said "seeing ourselves clearly is the beginning of wisdom." I add that, with that vision, loving ourselves wholly is the beginning of accountability.

The righteous "love the truth and are not shaken." Why? Because they love wisdom! They love to see themselves clearly! And they love themselves enough to take accountability in what they see. They desire to serve God and to fulfill His purposes for them on this earth.

When confronted, the righteous do not go into fight, flight, or freeze. Rather, they confront themselves and they grow.

May my heart be turned ever more toward righteousness day by day.

What Goes Around...

I've never felt such a motivation to be merciful. I almost shudder to think of how unmerciful I've been, am, and will yet be due to my inherently imperfect nature.

"For that which ye do send out shall return unto you again, and be restored;" Alma 41:15

In common day speak, its saying "what goes around comes around," but I feel like the verse's language is more poignant.

Preceding it are these words: "see that you are merciful unto your brethren; deal justly, judge righteously, and do good continually; and if ye do all these things then shall ye receive your reward; yea, ye shall have mercy, justice, a righteous judgment, and good rewarded unto you again." (Alma 41:14, slightly modified for easier reading)

Something about this struck me right into the pit of my stomach. How much am I in need of mercy?! Oh so greatly! How much am I in need of grace? Infinitely!

Then it is to me to send out those things!

The more clearly I see myself, the more I see that I, a man, am nothing, while in the same breath boldly declaring that I am a son of the Most High.

I have so much to learn, so much I'll yet stumble over, so much mercy to depend on -- out of sheer survival I must needs extend great mercy! One of these things to learn is to more fully believe in myself.

How interesting it is that, the more I see my own nothingness, I may simultaneously see my greatness, my divine nature!

To recognize man, one's self included, as nothing is not abasing or self-deprecating. Rather, it recognizes one's divine nature, worth, and potential as well as that of others, and it extends mercy and grace. To be otherwise would be counterfeit.