Conversations are Rivers, Especially Important Ones

Conversations are rivers, they flow and progress, each its own journey.

In any relationship, especially close, important ones, when you avoid a conversation, you dam a river, trying to not let any of it continue flowing.

If the conversation is important to either person or to the relationship at large, you will have to avoid more and more forcefully. Because the water keeps coming, you must keep building that dam higher and stronger.

However, the more you build, the more intense the pressure becomes, especially deep down.

It may be painful to let that river flow. There may be rapids, waterfalls, or uncomfortable turns along the way. Avoiding that pain is why you built the dam in the first place. But to what end?

Ultimately, there are only two possible results:
1) You create a spill way and start opening up the flow. That is, you stop avoiding. You begin having the hard conversations. You face the pain of self confrontation and growth that ensues.

Or

2) You build and build until finally the pressure is too much. The dam breaks, decimating, devastating, and wreaking havoc all over. Relationships destroyed, hearts broken, families torn apart.

That may sound overly dramatic and it may well be oversimplified, but it's frequency can not be overstated.

A Funny Paradox of Conscious Thought

I had a visionary hope when I was around 18 years old. Looking back, it seems almost cute!

My dream? To be conscious and deliberate with every single thought in my mind.

I had tried time and time again to do this! I don't know if my record lasted beyond an entire minute.

Approaching 19 years old, I received a calling to serve as a Christian missionary for two years. And so, boldly and naively, I decided that being a missionary would automagically (yes, that's a word now) grant me this skill! I would come home with the ability to maintain perfect control over my mind and thoughts at all times!

Aaaah dear. See what I mean? Almost cute.

While I've yet to achieve this lofty goal, I have learned some lessons along the way.

First and foremost, our thoughts are a choice. I can take conscious control of my brain at any moment and direct it to whatever thought I choose. I can choose to think about that book I just read or what ice cream flavor sounds really yummy to right this moment or about bird migration patterns! We can choose our thoughts.

Personally, I have not yet developed the ability to consciously focus all of my thoughts 100% of the time--not even close! But I'm not sure that's my goal anymore anyway. Instead, I want to have desired, positive thoughts even when I'm not consciously guiding them!

So what does guide our thoughts when we're not consciously controlling them? Please note, I'm not claiming scientifically researched answers here--my comments are anecdotal in nature.

I see two primary influences on our not-so-conscious conscious thought: neurological habit and belief system.

From my understanding of my light reading and study of the brain, our neuro-pathways can be likened to a ditch and our thoughts to the water flowing through it. Our most common thought patterns are like deeply dug trenches--well worn paths through which water naturally and easily flows.

However, we have the power to shift these neuro-pathways and create new ones. It takes some mental effort, just as digging a trench building a dam, and redirecting a stream or river takes physical effort! Without conscious, deliberate effort, our neurological habits create do not change.

Recent research has disproved an old idea that our brains, after a certain (young) age, could no longer change. We now know that our brains maintain neuro-pasticity--the ability to grow new pathways and change neuro-structure--even into old age.

So to reach my goal of positive thought even when I'm not intentionally directing them, I want to develop the neurological habits and pathways that will naturally create that result.

The second primary influence is our paradigm. Our paradigm is our belief system. This includes religious beliefs, self-esteem, culturally influenced beliefs, and so much more.  Like our thoughts, our beliefs are choices. Everything we believe has been, at some level and point in time, a choice.

If I believe the current President is a dud, this belief will influence my thoughts. If I believe monogamy is morally correct, this will influence my thoughts. If I believe I'm too dumb to succeed, this will influence my thoughts!

Okay... but so what?

Our thoughts create our lives.

"For as [a man] thinketh in his heart, so is he." --Proverbs 23:7

Everything we create, our lives, our results, our joy, our suffering, all of it--it all begins with thought. Thought is the common denominator.

So if we can change our neurological habits, which we can, and if we can change our paradigm, which we can, then we can change our lives! We can create the lives we want! We can achieve what we desire... IF. IF we are willing to do what's required. IF we are willing to change our mindset and, as a result, our choices.

So no, I no longer have a goal of 100% competency in controlling my conscious thought. Instead, I have a goal of creating the life I want by developing 100% unconscious competency in conscious thought.

The Purpose of Education

What is the purpose of education?

I don't mean school, I mean education.

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." --Mark Twain

What is education anyway? And what does it mean to be well educated?

I believe there is no one-size-fits-all answer for everyone.

"There is no one best way to do anything. . .There are as many best ways as there are creative minds." --Crawford H. Greenwald

And yet how often do we set expectations on what it means for anyone to be considered "educated?"

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” --Albert Einstein

Many of our judgments upon others are in reality rules we have for ourselves that we project onto those around us. So let's start with ourselves!

What does it mean for you to be educated? What is education even about for you?

A man who gave much of his life was clear in his own view as he expressed:

"Character is the aim of true education; and science, history and literature are but means used to accomplish this desired end. Character is not the result of chance, but of continuous right thinking and right acting.
"True education seeks to make men and women not only good mathematicians, proficient linguists, profound scientists, or brilliant literary lights, but also, honest men, with virtue, temperance, and brotherly love. It seeks to make men and women who prize truth, justice, wisdom, benevolence, and self-control as the choicest acquisitions of a successful life.
"It is regrettable that modern education so little emphasizes these fundamental elements of true character." --David O. McKay

For him, education was about the development of character!

What is it for you?

My answer for myself and, as a father, for my children until they leave, are five-fold:
1) Character -- Virtuous, Kind, Diligent, Respectful, Faithful, Etc.
2) Relationships -- With God, Self, Family, and Friends. Emotional intelligence. Etc.
3) Mission -- A sense of clarity and purpose about one's life's works
4) Scholarship -- Reading, Writing, History, Mathematics, Speaking, Etc.
5) Stewardship -- Financial intelligence, Health, Wellness, Generosity Etc.

As I seek to develop myself, I seek improvement in these five areas.

I've never arrived! I love growth! I love learning! I love change!

So what is it for you? What is the purpose of your education? And is it complete? If not, what's your next step?

Just What Is Intimacy?

How often have you heard someone use the word intimacy when what they really meant was sex?

It's as though there's a stigma on using the word sex, so we use the word intimacy to soften the blow or something.

Here's the problem -- they're not the same thing! 

Sex is sex. Intimacy is intimacy.

So what is intimacy if it's not sex?

Intimacy is letting someone see you see yourself.

Wha... Huh?

I like the word play of intimacy meaning into me, see.

Any time we include another in our own act of self-discovery, we create intimacy.

When we explore our own selves -- our minds, our hearts, our greatness, our imperfections, our desires, etc. -- and include another as we do so, we create intimacy.

When we take accountability to another, we create intimacy.

When we offer loving feedback, we create intimacy.

When we work together to find a solution that represents all party's true interests, we create intimacy.

Intimacy is thought of as an airy, romantic ideal, but true intimacy is often uncomfortable.

Intimacy is exploring the reality of you, and letting someone else join you on that journey.

What is Righteousness?

"Remember the greatness of the Holy One of Israel. Do not say that I have spoken hard things against you; for if ye do, ye will revile against the truth; for I have spoken the words of your Maker. I know that the words of truth are hard against all uncleanness; but the righteous fear them not, for they love the truth and are not shaken." (2 Nephi 9:40)

"Words of truth are hard against all uncleanness; but the righteous fear them not, for they love the truth and are not shaken."

Pondering this verse, does it imply that the righteous have no uncleanness? Nope. Does it imply that the truth may be less poignant or harsh upon the sins of the righteous as the sins of the unrighteous? Nope.

It occurs to me that two people may appear to have the same vices, the same outward sins, the same actions of error, and, for that matter, the same outward strengths, whilst one God would label righteous and the other wicked.

How so?

We all have sins. We all have weaknesses. We all worship the lies of Satan in one form or other. So why does one person get to be considered righteous and another not?

Because righteousness is a state of soul -- a state of heart, mind, and spirit.

When we receive reproach, do we take offense? When we are given correction, do we shun the messenger? Or are we willing to confront ourselves in a spirit of self-honesty and self-love?

President Uchtdorf said "seeing ourselves clearly is the beginning of wisdom." I add that, with that vision, loving ourselves wholly is the beginning of accountability.

The righteous "love the truth and are not shaken." Why? Because they love wisdom! They love to see themselves clearly! And they love themselves enough to take accountability in what they see. They desire to serve God and to fulfill His purposes for them on this earth.

When confronted, the righteous do not go into fight, flight, or freeze. Rather, they confront themselves and they grow.

May my heart be turned ever more toward righteousness day by day.

What Goes Around...

I've never felt such a motivation to be merciful. I almost shudder to think of how unmerciful I've been, am, and will yet be due to my inherently imperfect nature.

"For that which ye do send out shall return unto you again, and be restored;" Alma 41:15

In common day speak, its saying "what goes around comes around," but I feel like the verse's language is more poignant.

Preceding it are these words: "see that you are merciful unto your brethren; deal justly, judge righteously, and do good continually; and if ye do all these things then shall ye receive your reward; yea, ye shall have mercy, justice, a righteous judgment, and good rewarded unto you again." (Alma 41:14, slightly modified for easier reading)

Something about this struck me right into the pit of my stomach. How much am I in need of mercy?! Oh so greatly! How much am I in need of grace? Infinitely!

Then it is to me to send out those things!

The more clearly I see myself, the more I see that I, a man, am nothing, while in the same breath boldly declaring that I am a son of the Most High.

I have so much to learn, so much I'll yet stumble over, so much mercy to depend on -- out of sheer survival I must needs extend great mercy! One of these things to learn is to more fully believe in myself.

How interesting it is that, the more I see my own nothingness, I may simultaneously see my greatness, my divine nature!

To recognize man, one's self included, as nothing is not abasing or self-deprecating. Rather, it recognizes one's divine nature, worth, and potential as well as that of others, and it extends mercy and grace. To be otherwise would be counterfeit.

Getting Burned

Warning: this post holds the potential to trigger many people. The content here is well outside our cultural norms. I'm okay with that. I invite you to be aware of what comes up for you and why.

Yesterday, I walked on fire, and I got burned. What's more, I am grateful for the experience and do not feel regret.

This is not my first fire-walk. I've done it before. In fact, on my first experience I walked across the glowing coals about four times and received no injury! Yes, I felt the heat of the coals, but my feet remained in perfect condition, albeit a little dirty. I expected the same again. In fact, I didn't believe I could get burned, even though the director said that, having done this hundreds of times, even he has on occasion been burned.

As I crossed the coals I was surprised to feel not just heat, but burning! I fell onto the rug placed on the other side in anguish! There was a bucket of cold water there and I immediately put my feet in it.

The water eased the pain quickly and felt oh so good! ...Until I pulled my foot out. The burn was there and it was strong!

After a time I put my socks on and then put my foot back in the water. I thought having the sock hold the water on my foot would help! It may have, but not much I don't think. Then I soaked my shoes and put them on. The pain would ease with the water, but only moments after, pain would surge! I began putting my feet, shoes and socks on, into the water bucket.

The pain was excruciating! It ebbed and flowed... and burned! Someone offered me some lavender oil which I took my shoes and socks back off to apply. It seemed to help for a few moments, but the burning quickly returned. I continued to soak my socked and shoed feet in the bucket.

A woman then commented to me, "you know, Matt, there are Priesthood holders here who could give you a blessing." That idea had started forming on its own, and her comment encouraged me. I sought out two friends and asked if they could administer to me. They did.

I don't remember a lot of what was said, but while the blessing was happening, I knew what I needed to do: I needed to go get medical attention.

At this point, the firewalk had been completed and everyone was being called over for an evening wrap-up and debrief. I knew I was not to stay, but go and get care.

There was a good bit of pride to swallow here, for me. I felt some measure of embarrassment and shame at the idea of telling health professionals "I walked across hot coals and got burned!" "Gee whiz there Sherlock, ya' think?!"

My dear wife also felt burns on her feet, but she seemed to be doing better than myself. We intended to go to InstaCare but realized it was closed, so we went to the emergency area at the hospital. As she drove, I broke down in tears and wails as the blistering burning sensation seared through my senses!

Upon arrival I sat down and got checked in and was in tears. They took my information and got me a wheelchair. Bonnie had dropped me off to get started and then she came in and got checked in as well.

There in the waiting room I was gripping the wheelchair sides breathing hard and weeping, trying not to ball out loud with perhaps only a small measure of success.

Soon they brought us back and we got my shoes and socks back off. The pain seemed to lessen with this, though part of it may have simply been the distraction of getting to interact with someone who was there to help me! I loved them! I just... loved them! I felt so grateful for them!

After initial vitals and being asked at least 3 times if we had any allergies to medications, we were taken back to a fast track room where I got on the bed and Bonnie sat in the chair next to me. I had numerous second degree burns on my feet and Bonnie some first degree burns.

The nurse (no, she wasn't technically a nurse, but I don't know what to call her and I don't care!) put some cream of some sort on my foot and something to hold it in place. My how it tickled!! I laughed and tried not to squirm! She seemed a bit surprised and amused!

Anyway, I'll cut this part short. We were well treated in every sense of the word. As we explained a few times what happened, Bonnie was awesome at being positive about it and even saying how awesome it was that we did it! She would tell them that getting burned this time was the perfect experience for us to learn the lessons that would best serve us to learn!

I leaned on that a lot. Her attitude helped me when, by myself, I would most likely have gone into shame and taken on the idea that what I had done was complete stupidity! I think this would have changed our entire visit at the hospital. Instead, it was a very positive one, we hit it off well with all the personnel, and we enjoyed very much our time there!

So... what's the point?

I mean, if we learned something, what was it? How about this one: don't walk across hot coals barefoot! That's stupid and you'll get burned!

We could choose that. But we're not.

Okay then... what? What was so important that you needed to go get second degree burns on your feet for?

That's not really a question I can answer. I don't feel to play the judge and, well, that's just not even a question for me. Making sense of something means trying to make it fit in your belief system. When we can't make sense of something, then we tend to dismiss it as stupid, senseless, or crazy. Either that or we make a change to our belief system, and though I believe its often helpful, this is less common it seems.

(We call it belief breakthrough, and actually I believe it is key in becoming more aligned with Divinity.)

So what I can say is that I've learned more about how to love myself unconditionally. I've let go of a lot of self-judgments that used to hang on me. I now see pain as neither good nor bad -- it simply is. Also, just because something is painful doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. Pain is a part of life -- we hurt and we get hurt -- and sometimes we choose it with good reason.

In fact, I learned a lot about pain, and I feel that my friend Kerstin explained it masterfully in her blog post.

I learned more about taking accountability and what that does and doesn't look like. I own my choice to walk on hot coals, and I own the consequence. Had it turned out like my first experienced where I was not burned, I would have owned the choice and consequence, so why should I not do so now that the consequence was different?

I believe in myself more profoundly now. This is not in the sense of  "I'm a tough guy, I can handle 2nd degree burns! That's nothin'!" Uh, no -- remember the part about me balling in the E.R. waiting room? Yeah, not very tough guy! LoL! No, this is more of a quiet confidence that stems, at least in part, from that greater sense of unconditional self-love and accountability.

To say I do not regret my choice is not to say I think I did the right thing, and that's also not to say I did the wrong thing. It's just a thing I did. It had a consequence. Yes, there is right and wrong in the world, there is good and evil, but sometimes things are good or bad only because we judge them to be.

After all, the only thing that exists in our world is our perception. What can we possibly experience that is not filtered through our perception? I believe that God is real, but all I know, read, or learn of Him is filtered through my perception.

This is true even of myself! All I experience of myself is my perception. What I believe about myself when I look in the mirror is all a perception.

I love my life. I love who I am! I love every bit of me! I own my choices and their consequences, even when they are not what I'd hoped. I have made choices I regret, but I own them just the same. Interestingly, the choices I regret are not usually because of the consequences attached thereto, but because I believe they were out of alignment with who I was and my understanding of goodness at the time.

I'm doing my best. I am incredibly imperfect! I have flaws galore! And -- such an important and -- I love myself, wholly and completely.

Update: A little miracle that has happened: the pain has subsided. The hospital staff told us the burns would continue to feel painful for the next couple days, even getting worse than what I'd felt so far. This did not excite me, as you might imagine. I took a single IbuProfen and headed home. I still have big blisters, but it's been about 30 hours now and I have experienced little to no pain since leaving the hospital. I am very grateful!